Two words for you.
Don’t know the artist, but this embodies how I feel.
Click bait. Click bait. Click bait.
But no seriously, I found myself in a mood last night/today (haven’t slept). I have been really in my feelings for the past few weeks. In my feelings about change and how much I hate it. I hate change because I can’t control it or its outcomes. It frustrates and saddens me because as much I would like for all things to remain the same and keep me happy, I know that just can’t be the case. It’s selfish I know. I find myself questioning everything. The people in my life, new and old. My life path to my entire identity because who am I? If not for so and so’s best friend or [insert name]’s love interest.
My relationships seem to be forever changing. My friends are getting big girl jobs, having babies and entering into serious relationships. I JUST found my first steady job that doesn’t make me want to blow my brains out or quit within the first month. As I sat up last night/this morning, I reflected on what I was feeling. Am I jealous? Do I miss their energy? Or am I the one not growing?
No. Yes. Girl bye, you’re doing great!
I had to realize that I was comparing and comparison is the thief of joy. I was overthinking and over analyzing these perceived negatives in my life without rejoicing in all the good that I have been blessed with this past year.
I swear when I was typing up this piece in my notes at 3 AM this was going to be a “woe is me… I hate my life….I’m unworthy” pity me ass piece. But as I sit here and type, I just said to myself “Nah sis. Let’s reflect on the positive.”
I’m single and my love life is lit! – So I’m not one of those extra super single people that hate relationships or anything. I would actually love to be in a healthy monogamous relationship with the right person. But first thing’s first, I gotta have a healthy relationship with myself. Many of my relationships failed in the past because I had yet to deal with my shit. My shit being my own hurt and insecurity that caused me to act like a natural born psycho while expecting someone to love and fix me when I didn’t even love myself. So in 2017, I said no more of that foolishness and for the first time ever I committed to myself. I’m committed to me in ways a man could never be and I love it. I am the protector of my own heart and the warrior against my own demons. I’m still a work in progress and in no real rush to be committed or tied down. He’ll come. I’m not worried about that anymore and when he does, I’ll be ready. In the meantime, I’m getting cute and flirting my butt off. It’s been so fun and free. So no I don’t have a man, but I’m far from lonely.
I’m working TWO jobs that I can actually say I like. – For the LONGESTTTTTT time, I could not find a job that I liked. I feel like it had a lot to do with my attitude and work ethic. I thought jobs were just like school. As long as I did the work who cares, right? Wrong! Honey, I was showing up late and barely there mentally. I think once I started to focus on myself, I made a shift in my attitude to not just be a good employee, but an exceptional one. Now don’t get me wrong, I still get off task. But my work is done and I’m on time. I’m dressing more professional and I’m taking initiative. The compliments are falling out the sky at both jobs and I really am enjoying the moment, even though I know I don’t plan to be in either role forever. It’s just nice to be looked at in a positive light and your effort noticed.
I’m being more creative.- With the revamping of my work ethic came a new perspective on what I wanted to do for a living and I came to the conclusion that I can’t see myself trading my time for money all at the expense of furthering someone else’s business. I work too hard and I’m too smart for that. I wasn’t meant to be a worker. I was meant to be a BOSS. Hence, why I started back blogging. I needed some type of control and thing that was all my own. And even though I play around with the idea of expanding the SO CLE SHAY brand, I also worry that it might lose its genuineness when it becomes something I do for business instead of pleasure. That’s not to say I don’t have a multitude of other ideas swarming around in my brain. Your girl will be an entrepreneur and businesswoman one day and I’m betting that it’s one day soon.
I’m relatively happy most days. I have become more mindful about what I allow to affect me. Even the positive person can have a bad day and that’s okay. On a journey getting to know myself and it’s not always fun and positive. Sometimes it’s ugly. Sometimes I worry if the standards I have for my life might be impossible to attain or maybe I’m in my own way.
Clearly, I got a lot I need to work through. See you next week!